The book Crisis Negotiations by Michael McMains and Wayman Mullins, used by police departments across the country, refers to the “rule of reciprocity.” This rule means that if you do a favor for someone, they will feel obliged to repay the favor. It’s basic human nature. It makes us uncomfortable to feel that we owe a person something. When you do something nice for a woman, even if it’s something simple that you would do as a matter of course, you want to reinforce in her mind that you’ve just done her a favor. Therefore, she will feel that she should pay you back, on some level. In M.A.C.K. Tactics, we refer to this technique as creating “I.O.U.’s.”

Let’s say the hostage taker, call him “Bob,” is holed up in an apartment. It’s the dead of winter, freezing temperatures. Early in the standoff, the Negotiator tells him, “I just want you to know, Bob, I’m going to make sure right now that no one’s going to mess with the electricity. You have my word: your heat stays on. I want you to be comfortable .”

In reality, the cops had no intention of cutting off his heat. Maybe there are children in the apartment with Bob; perhaps the cops don’t have access to the electricity. Yet Bob thinks the Negotiator has made an extra effort to look out for him. As the Negotiator continues to do Bob “favors” (the next one being, “I’m going to make sure the officers out here don’t hurt you”), Bob begins to trust and feel grateful towards the Negotiator.

The Negotiator has become his ally, his fellow traveler, in a stressful situation. Soon, the Negotiator will ask for reciprocity. (“Bob, I made sure your heat stayed on, and that no one tried to come in there and hurt you. Now I need you to free one of the hostages.”) Bob is much more likely to listen and respond in a positive manner because the seed has been planted that he owes the Negotiator. He also doesn’t want to lose his most important ally.

In M.A.C.K. Tactics, we use this same principle. When a man approaches a woman and tries to initiate a conversation, her stress levels naturally rise. Thoughts and questions are running through her mind. Who is this guy? What does he want? Her brain is trying to interpret a hundred different signals you are sending her way from your body language, to the topic you start talking about. The average guy will say and do things that increase her stress levels and raise red flags. The Mack puts her in a comfort zone and becomes her fellow traveler.