Women have a tendency to talk at length about their prior relationships, especially the ones that ended badly. (Even if it didn’t end badly, women still love to play up every past relationship as a big melodrama.) While this is not a topic you should allow her to dwell on, you need to know how to react if it comes up because it probably will.

While you want to be sympathetic and attentive, you can only be her shoulder to cry on up to a certain point. You want her to focus on future possibilities with you, not wreckage from the past.

Allow her to have this conversation with you once, and only once. If she wants to vent about her ex on this one occasion, it can strengthen the bond between the two of you and provide you with valuable Intell. But if she tries to discuss it the next time you see her or speak on the phone, change the subject: “I understand you went through some difficult stuff with that guy, but right now I just want you to relax and enjoy yourself.”

This is an example of taking emotional control of the situation. While men are driven by logic, women are fueled by emotion and these emotions often swing out of control. When she gets agitated or upset over something unimportant (such as the crap she went through with her ex-boyfriend), and her emotional waves start churning, it’s your job to provide a firm shoreline for her waves to “break” against. Tell her you understand, but shut down this topic and get the conversation moving in a better direction. Be firm.

That’s how you would respond if tries to talk about her ex on repeated occasions. The first time she draws you into the “ex conversation,” it’s OK to let her tell you about her ex. Knowing about her previous relationships can work to your advantage in a number of ways…

• It shows you which types of men she falls for, and which types she has formed strong negative feelings towards.
• By knowing what kind of guy burned her in the past, you can present yourself as the opposite.
• You can find out how recently she’s been in a relationship. If it broke off last week, be aware that she might get back with him.
• It shows that you’re not insecure talking about other guys.
• It shows that you’re a good listener.

 Just remember the Negotiator tactic we taught you earlier: when on the topic of her ex, never refer to him by name. Refer to him as “that guy.” Make him seem irrelevant to what’s going on right here and now.

Also, no matter how much of a creep or loser he sounds like, don’t say disparaging things about him. She cared about him deeply at one time. Stating your negative opinion of him might cause her to suddenly get defensive; she gave the guy a piece of her heart, so in a sense you’re insulting her judgment. Any critical comments you make about her ex should refer to his behavior, not him as a person.

Most “exes” fall under one of the following categories: 

The Stalker. If the guy couldn’t take a hint and kept harassing her after the breakup, you’ve got to be extra careful about showing any potential stalker tendencies. She’s on high alert for those red flags.

The Cheater. This is another common ex-boyfriend scenario: the guy who was unfaithful. This affects women deeply and damages their trust in all men. One way to overcome this barrier is to drop little “fidelity bombs” throughout the conversation, underscoring how much you value commitment.

A good one is, “I love seeing old couples that look like they’ve been married for fifty years and are still in love.” If you happen to know a couple that fits this bill, perhaps your parents or grandparents, use them as an example.

The Commitaphobe. If her ex was gun shy about committing to a serious relationship or marrying her, a Mack needs to find this out as soon as possible. The Commitaphobe can do more damage to a woman than any other type of ex-boyfriend. When women break up with stalkers, cheaters or losers, it’s for clear-cut reasons. Even if she still has feelings for the guy, she can justify the breakup to herself and to her friends.